luckier than most

I sit here writing this post while watching The Sopranos.  I am on season 6, part 1, episode 6, the one where Vito Spatafore is found out to be gay.  It has made me think about what it was like, and is like for me being a gay male.

I am from Kelowna, BC, born and raised, left when I was 20 years old.  I came out to my parents when I was 17. Coming out was both good and bad.  My Mom and my Sister were both very good about it.  They both loved me unconditionally, they thought it meant little to nothing that I was gay.  My Father on the other hand left a great deal to be desired.  I had always gotten along well with my Dad. He is pretty easy going. He taught me about sports and I really took to it, we have always been able to talk because of our mutual love of sports.  When I came out to him he was very upset.  We yelled at each other a lot, said some nasty things to each other, we had never really fought before that.  It was a tough time for me, tough for the family, and my Mom in particular because she was battling breast cancer at the time.

Ultimately though, coming out has been a good experience for me.  My Dad and I fought, and did not really address my sexuality for years to come.  He has still not come around completely, he only grudgingly brings up my partner of 8 years (the same person I was with when I came out to my Dad). Why I right this is not to complain about my coming out, but to reflect on how relatively easy it is to come out in Canada compared to most of the world. My experience was mostly positive, I had my issues, but ultimately I still have a family that loves me, my partner, and my friends.  In most of the world coming out is still not an option.  You live with your sexuality as a secret in most of the world if you are queer.

Tony Soprano just said “Frankly, I think they go about in pity for themselves.” Referring of course to homosexuals.  As horrible as it might sound, I think that he is right in many ways. I got about in pity for myself all the time.  My family has been relatively supportive, but if I were straight things would be very different. I have to constantly let people know that I am gay, it is always assumed that you are straight. But really, I am lucky. I have a wonderful partner, I live in a great gay friendly neighbourhood in Vancouver, I have a strong education and I am set to have a strong career. I am in a sense lucky to be gay as well, without this trait I would be a middle class, white, male, conservative lawyer. Being gay makes me all of those things but conservative.  My sexuality, and my experience of coming out gives me perspective.

I am luckier that most people in this world, due largely to the fact that I was born in Canada. I am luckier than most gay people as well, both globally, and within Canada. Yet I do go around in pity for myself a lot of the time. There is a lot to be learned from Tony Soprano, I know that I have learned a lot. Gay people need to constantly remind themselves that a lot of the prejudice they face comes not from hatred, but from confusion or inexperience. My Dad was very angry when I came out, he said very hurtful things, but I was essentially the first gay person that he knew, he could just not process that his son was gay. I gave him some slack, and he has proven that with time, anyone can come to understand and accept.

Today is Canada Day. I am a proud Canadian, as proud as they get if you ask me. This country has allowed me to be completely open about my sexuality, to love my partner completely, fully, and openly, and at the same time achieve what anyone else in this society can achieve. I love this country, and it loves me, and for that I am truly blessed.